The ShugaBowl: Guilty As Charged

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Guilty As Charged

I confess. It's not easy to admit, but where else can I begin? I have not been in the habit of trusting God this past year. I don't know when it started. It could be that it's been developing and growing over time. But lately, I've been downright suspicious of anything that smacks of God's will.

Have you ever been this way?

Being as old as I am, I rather thought to have figured out a life purpose by now. Or at least figured out how to tell God's will. But it's as difficult now as it was fourteen months ago when I posed the question to Dr. Fredrickson at headquarters. I asked him, "How can I tell God's will for my life? Not God's will for me as a Christian, but for me personally, as this created being that He took such care to form and give a purpose to? How do I know what that is?" I wanted to know if I should sit, waiting for something to knock me over the head? Or should I try things out, to sort of feel my way on my own. Dr. Fred told me that God works through authorities and circumstances, that I had to trust my parents for one, and God ultimately.

That sounded so rehearsed. I couldn't accept it as sincere. I felt like I was just another question on the test or something and he had memorized an answer to fill in. It didn't seem that anyone really gave a hoot whether I found God's will or not. And I suppose that is where the mistrust started.

I wasn't really looking forward to coming home from HQ. I wanted to see my family, of course, but I knew what life would be like here. Nothing to do all day; no way to use my time. I knew I would feel totally useless at times, because I didn't have active employment. I felt that at HQ, I was at least filling a position that was not easily replaced. And that was a good feeling. I liked knowing that, because I enjoyed what no one else did and could do it well, I was not replaceable when I left.

And for the past year, the despondency did come, off and on. I remember phone calls to friends when I would talk for an hour venting my frustration at life. I remember trying different avenues of employment. Anytime anyone heard of a job opening, I applied. Whenever someone needed sewing done, I jumped at the chance. Pick something. I'm sure I've tried it, or something like it. I was so desperate to find God's will. I was sure He wouldn't make it plain. I just knew I'd have to find it myself. Didn't Christ tell us in Matthew "seek and ye shall find? ask and ye shall receive? knock and the door will be opened?" All active verbs. Not passive.

And every time I went in for something new, the door stayed closed. I didn't receive. I didn't find. And I mistrusted God more each time.

When a friend told me about another job, I had reached a place of suspicion. I knew from the start it wouldn't work out. There was no way my dad would go for it. He would never allow me to apply. But I gave God a "last chance." (It's a wonder He doesn't squash me like a bug for my arrogance. What an inflated idea of myself! to believe that I was in a position to give the God of creation a "last chance." What an idiot I am!)

But God is so compassionate! He knows how I had disobeyed His command to trust in Him. He knows how far I had strayed, how narrow-minded a view I had developed of Him. He knows how black my heart had become, and yet He felt the desire (certainly not the need, because He totally does not need the likes of me), but the desire to prove Himself to me.

My dad heard me out. He said I could persue the job. And I did. And I felt so helpless. Much as I wanted the job, I could do nothing beyond try to make a good impression at an interview to secure myself a place. But because I didn't trust Anyone Else to help me, that was all I had. I was on pins and needles, and I told my friend so in reply to an email asking "how'd it go?"

I said that I was extremely on edge. This wasn't the first time I felt I had made a good impression at the interview, and I had been rejected before. But in reply to my confession of jittery spirits, I received this note:

As for all the jobs that you’ve applied for this year that haven’t worked out, don’t worry about it. Obviously, if the Lord wanted you to fill any of those positions He would have opened the door for you. Or maybe, it just wasn’t the right time. There is certainly no reason to be downcast about being rejected. Situations like that, handled properly, make us stronger.
As for being on pins and needles, why would you be? Though I have nothing to say against anticipation, I must reiterate what I said before: if the Lord wants you there, He’ll put you there. Remember, if He takes care of the sparrow & the lily, what have we, who are a much greater treasure to Him, to fear about tomorrow? Nothing that happens today, or will happen tomorrow, happens outside of His Will.

Tears of shame flooded my eyes. How could my friend trust God that easily? How could I trust God like that? He had denied every petition before. How could I trust God to deliver this time? I was so dependent on myself that I felt it was no use to trust anyone else anyway.

But I cried because I wanted to. I wanted to trust Him. I wanted to throw off the heaviness of finding my own way. I wanted somebody else to take the hard stuff and let me take the easy way for a while. I cried because I knew I was wrong.

I can't say that it's easy to trust someone after they've let you down. You'd think that with God it would be easier, but I actually think it's harder, because He doesn't offer change on His part. I'm the one who had to change. It is not easy to open your heart to someone you feel has wounded you. And that's how I felt.

It was not a complete turn-around. An email from a friend helps, but it's never a remedy, ya know? Crying out to God for forgiveness was the only thing that would give me rest. The next two days were the longest I think I've endured so far. Every moment spent with a concious effort to give my problems to God. Checking the clock every five minutes so see how much longer I'd wait for a phone call to tell me "yes" or "no." Checking the phone every ten minutes to be sure I hadn't missed it. It was a different kind of nervousness, but pins and needles all the same.

I don't know. I'm so fallen that, if God had not answered the way I wanted Him to, I probably would have pushed Him even further away. But instead of forcing me to make a choice like that, He gave me the job. And I am so thankful!

And that day in the mail, another friend sent me a Christmas present, a CD. Music always speaks to me in a way that nothing else can. I've already memorized the words to this song. I won't put the whole thing here, but there is the important phrase:

Were it not for grace, I can tell you where I'd be--
Wand'ring down some pointless road to nowhere, with my salvation up to me.

Ever feel like you've been saved in the nick of time?

posted by cori 12/23/2006 08:32:00 AM

1 Comments:

At 12/26/2006 3:05 PM, Nancy said…

That's wonderful that you got the job, Les, but more importantly that you learned to trust God through all of this. It could so easily have pushed you so far from Him, but instead you did what you needed to do, you ran straight to Him, desiring to trust Him. He said He'll give you the desires of your heart, all you gotta do is trust Him and make sure your desires line up with His. :-)

I LOVE that song! Were it not for grace, one of the songs that say exactly what my heart's been saying. Gos is so good!

God bless you!
Nancy